Month: August 2005

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    For Women Only: Finale

    This is the last of the summaries of the book, “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn.

    One of the guys from church went away on a camping trip for a week, and he came back sporting a few extra hairs on his chiny-chin-chin. The girls at church took one look at him and the fangs came out.

    “Are you trying to grow a goatee?” one asked. (Operative word being “trying”)

    “Are you taking after Al Gore?” another queried. (This was about the time Al Gore grew his famous stubble on vacation.)

    Yet another was a little more direct: “Are you going to keep that?”

    You had to feel sorry for the guy. He took it well, considering, but by next Sunday, the goatee was gone, the women breathed a sigh of relief, and circled for their next facial hair victim.

    But just for sake of argument, what if the genders were reversed? Let’s imagine a woman coming to church sporting a new hair cut.

    Guy 1: “Did you PAY someone to do that?”

    Guy 2: “Had a little accident with the lawn mower last weekend?”

    Guy 3: “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll grow out quickly.”

    There is a terrible double standard somewhere out there, fed by equal doses of male bashing and a fear of male oppression. And the double standard is this: Women can criticize men for their looks, but men can say nothing about women, either good or bad. If they appreciate a good-looking woman, they are labeled as shallow, and if they criticize a bad appearance, they might get killed.

    Women, listen up. MEN CARE ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK (…AND IT’S OK) And no, that doesn’t mean men want all women to look like Barbie. But it bothers them when women don’t take care of their appearance. In one of Feldhahn’s surveys, “seven out of ten men indicated that they would be emotionally bothered if the woman in their lives let herself go and didn’t seem to want to make the effort to do something about it.“(author’s emphasis) 83% said that they want their wives/sig.other to look good and feel energetic.

    I can almost hear the chorus of: “But I want a man who will love me as I am”. But first consider this: I knew a young man once, just out of college, eager, talkative, a little awkward, but not a bad guy. Yet no woman would look twice at him. You see, he was so…dirty. His hair was always oily, and around the rim of his glasses you could see a line of grit. Everytime I looked at my own reflection glinting off the oil marks on his lenses, I wanted to take off his glasses and wash them with soap and water.

    Will there be a woman who can love that young man as he is? Possible. Would it help if he bathed first? Definitely. And could he show that selfless woman how much he cared about her by bathing daily? Absolutely.

    In the same way, wives make their husbands proud when they take care of themselves, keep their weight in check, and take some time to make themselves look attractive.

    This quote is by a man, from Feldhahn’s book:

    Sometimes I’ll meet a guy who looks just like an average guy. But then, if I meet his wife and she is huge and very out of shape and just sloppy, I feel so sorry for him….That sounds absolutely terrible to say out loud, but it is what every man is thinking. But then sometimes I’ll meet a man whose wife is overweight–but she takes care of herself. She puts some effort into her appearance…I look at that husband and think, He did well.

    I am sure there are some men who are controlling and have unrealistic expectations of their stepford wives. But Feldhahn points out that the majority of men just want to be PROUD of their wives. And most single men aren’t looking for Barbie (or J.Lo, or J.Simpson), but they are looking for someone who is confident in her own skin.

    So women of the world, raise your manicured hand and make a pledge against dowdiness, against couch-slouching, against shapeless tracksuits and against Krispie Kreme donuts.

    Yay for makeup! Yay for HealthWorks! Yay for hair-gel! Yay for Banana Republic!

    And Yay for the way God made us–WOMAN.

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    Verbal

    So the other day my four year old niece wrote an email (with help) to her favorite cousin. She said: “I like you. I love to play with you. I love you SO much. I like to go to the playground with you.” My nephew, also four years old, wrote back (with help): “I like airplanes and trains.”

    We just had Vacation Bible School, and I had the counselors write notes to their students. The girls wrote in round, colourful handwriting, adorned with stickers: “It was fun having you in class! Remember that Jesus loves you! I’ll miss you!” The boys mostly wrote: “Have a wonderful summer,” and signed their names, with smudges.

    The differences in verbal development starts young and stays with us mostly through our lives. In her book, “You just don’t understand,” Deborah Tannen found that four year old girls were more similar in speech to 25 year old women than they were to boys of their own age. The same applies to boys. Girls and women tend to communicate to develop rapport, so they share secrets and personal stories, to strengthen the bond between two friends. Boys and men tend to communicate for report, so they share basic information and leave it at that.

    The trouble comes when men and women want to talk to each other. Man and woman come home from work, and the woman asks the man, “How was your day?” and he says, “Fine.” In his view, this is a legitimate answer to her question. His day was routine, nothing special to report. But she feels like he is hiding something. When he asks her (or is prompted to ask her), “How was your day?” she answers with, “Well, first I was 10 minutes late for work and my boss got all mad, and I had this awful caesar salad at lunch…. .” She is telling him all about her day to establish rapport and build community. But the man feels that she is talking too much.

    When we were in University together, rareflower had a friend called Dorian, who wrote long, flowery letters. All the girls in the dorm would get together and read the letters from Dorian, and we would all swoon. “Wouldn’t it be nice,” we all thought, “if all men wrote like Dorian.” We even had a name for that kind of letter: a “Dorian letter”.

    Only trouble is, Dorian doesn’t write like a typical guy. He writes like a girl. His flowery prose is more typical of women than of men. Not that there is anything wrong with this. Within certain boundaries, we are free to express ourselves in the style we choose without being accused of being “trans-gender”. But the point is–the TYPICAL guy will not write like Dorian. The typical guy will write like my four-year old cousin: “I like airplanes and trains.” And girls, here are the cold, hard, facts. There are more typical guys out there than Dorian, with a ratio of say, 1,000,000 : 1.

    After all, if all men talked like women, we might as well be talking to ourselves.

  • I’ve been thinking a lot about the desires of my heart… certain things are definitely placed there by God and others, not so sure.  There’s a teaching that God places things into our hearts as desires because those are things He wants us to pursue… but how much can I trust my own heart?


    Certain things are undeniably God’s desire in me… wanting to serve Him and His people… the desire and love of worship and seeking after His own Heart… the desire to do my best in the tasks He’s given me to do… even the desire to find the right partner in life that “we’d” be a reflection of all His goodness [hopefully] and fulfill His purpose through “us”…  


    Then there’s the desire to remain single, ONLY for the sake of having the freedom to come and go as He directs, as missions and ministry is a HUGE part of my heart’s desires, but I can’t claim that I have the “gift” of singlehood


    I’ve been trying to sort out my desires from His desires; some of them actually align but others, not so much.  I’m learning to feel comfortable wth the idea that it’s okay to pursue the things that I want, that is, as long as it doesn’t supercede His direction.  It’s funny, but I feel guilty for wanting things for myself and accepting good things although I’ve worked hard for them.  My mom is like that… and I always get frustrated with the way she gives more than she has to, even to the point of harming herself.  I’m seeing myself do the exact same things…  Do you ever get so ticked at yourself that you start yelling at yourself?    it needs to stop, only because I’m hurting myself.


    Someone once told me that it’s from a lack of loving oneself… maybe it’s more true than I’ve realized… I need to love myself more; not in the selfish way… for one cannot love others fully unless one learns to love oneself and is at peace with it.  God knows… [weak smile]


    Learning to be comfortable in my own skin, even when I do things for “me” sometimes…


    God is good.

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    For Women Only: V

    The other day I went to see a movie with a girl friend. The movie was “Must Love Dogs” (which, by the way, I thought was awful, even though John Cusack was in it), and the audience was made up mostly of women and a few long-suffering men who came with their girlfriends, wearing that hagard expression that one takes while on sitting in the dentist’s chair. I leaned over to my friend and hissed, “Must Love Chick-Flicks!”

    By definition, a chick-flick is a movie about love, romance, and all things sweet. There is usually a child or an animal in it, and the beautiful heroine always gets swept off her feet by the hero in the end. Also, by definition, women love it, but men would rather get a root-canal. Because, as we all know, women thrive on romance but men, romantic clods that they are, don’t.

    Or so we thought. According to Feldhahn, 84% of men surveyed actively enjoy and desire romance. “According to (Feldhahn’s) findings, most men feel that they are secret romantics who–like most of us–don’t experience nearly as much intimacy (in a romantic, not sexual way) in their primary love relationship as they’d like.” (parantheses mine). Men want romance, just as much as women do. But here’s the burning question: Why don’t they do anything about it?

    Because they are afraid of us. Feldhahn offers a list of very good insights, but in a nutshell, I think this sums it all up. Men would like to be more romantic, but they feel clumsy doing it, and are terrified that the women they are trying to please either do not appreciate their efforts, or will turn and laugh in their face. The women, meanwhile, fueled by romantic comedies, are standing there with a scorecard in hand:

    He brought flowers. +1
    They were clearly from Stop and Shop. -2
    Opened car door. +1
    Slammed it in my face. -1
    Candlelit dinner +3
    Set my hair on fire -10
    etc
    etc
    etc

    No wonder the men are nervous. As one man put it, “You tease me about not quite getting the candlelight dinner right, it’ll be five years before I try it again.”

    So here’s a little experiment. Next time you are on a romantic date, put away that scorecard. Give him a +1 for everything he does. Smile and act easily pleased.

    Perhaps then he might have the courage to sweep you off your feet.

  • August 24


    The Spiritual Search



    What man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?
    —Matthew 7:9

    The illustration of prayer that our Lord used here is one of a good child who is asking for something good. We talk about prayer as if God hears us regardless of what our relationship is to Him (see Matthew 5:45 ). Never say that it is not God’s will to give you what you ask. Don’t faint and give up, but find out the reason you have not received; increase the intensity of your search and examine the evidence. Is your relationship right with your spouse, your children, and your fellow students? Are you a “good child” in those relationships? Do you have to say to the Lord, “I have been irritable and cross, but I still want spiritual blessings”? You cannot receive and will have to do without them until you have the attitude of a “good child.”


    We mistake defiance for devotion, arguing with God instead of surrendering. We refuse to look at the evidence that clearly indicates where we are wrong. Have I been asking God to give me money for something I want, while refusing to pay someone what I owe him? Have I been asking God for liberty while I am withholding it from someone who belongs to me? Have I refused to forgive someone, and have I been unkind to that person? Have I been living as God’s child among my relatives and friends? (see Matthew 7:12 ).


    I am a child of God only by being born again, and as His child I am good only as I “walk in the light” ( 1 John 1:7 ). For most of us, prayer simply becomes some trivial religious expression, a matter of mystical and emotional fellowship with God. We are all good at producing spiritual fog that blinds our sight. But if we will search out and examine the evidence, we will see very clearly what is wrong— a friendship, an unpaid debt, or an improper attitude. There is no use praying unless we are living as children of God. Then Jesus says, regarding His children, “Everyone who asks receives . . .” ( Matthew 7:8 ).

  • [But if you will swing the door of your life fully open and "pray to your Father who is in the secret place," every public thing in your life will be marked with the lasting imprint of the presence of God. ] ~ Oswald Chambers


    Lead me to the Secret Place
    that all else would fade away;
    just you and me… Face to face.

  • The Words I’ve been hearing this weekend serves as a warning, a spiritual “preview” of things to come if my ways don’t change. 


    “…and now these 3 remain, faith, hope and love, but the greatest is love.  “


     


    You’d think it nobler to be faithful to God.  We all admire the great men and women of Biblical history who exemplified incredible faith; surely, theirs was greater than a mustard seed and we want to be just like them…


    We also place those who had hoped beyond hope on a pedestal, for hope is also tied in with faith, believing in a future that is to come, unseen and intangible…  So much to hope for because He promised.


     


    But the Good Book says that “LOVE” is the greatest of the 3.  I often thought love was overrated and well, just not worth it with certain individuals.  My pastor taught that love is the greatest because it is the only one of the three that is outside of ourselves.  Faith and hope are things within us that we hold onto and it benefits us directly, but love is something given and expressed to others despite ourselves, thus greater than faith and hope.


     


    During meditation, it dawned on me that love can compensate for lack of faith [our lack of faith] and the lack of hope [our unbelief].  Love covers when we are faithless and hopeless and it covers over our sins.  And when faith and hope were lost, LOVE held Christ to the cross and LOVE brought Him back from the grave, triumphant, to restore Faith and Hope that we would be saved. 


     


    Faith and Hope are by-products of Love.


     


    True Love is… everything [almost].  It takes humility to accept His love at the moment of salvation and it takes the swallowing of my pride to accept His plan for me that was birthed from His love for me.  He planned for me even before I was born… yeah, even me and especially you.


     


    God loves without condition but he hates pride without exception.


     


    Not only will He stop His flow of grace in your life the moment pride becomes your compass, He will come against you to quench your pride and bring you down to humility.  It seems harsh that God would raise His hand against His own, but in terms of Love, He knows what is best…  God is in control, for the enemy cannot touch us without His permission. 

    Imagine what it must feel like for God, who loved us so much that He would sacrifice His ONLY begotten Son, that we might be saved… Imagine what it must feel like for Him to have to come against His own and take away His flow of blessings because we grew prideful, because He knows that pride will destroy us… 


     


    Imagine His heart break…
    Imagine that He died because His heart… broke.


     


    When will I get over myself and come to full realization that it’s not about me… but that God makes it about me… and you… and you… and you…  It’s love.


     


    And all of this is directly tied to repentance… a turning from ourselves starting from our very core and on to true salvation.  I can’t say it any better than my man, Oswald Chambers.  Oz… you da’ man.


     


    August 22


    “I Indeed . . . But He”



    I indeed baptize you with water . . . but He . . . will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire
    —Matthew 3:11

    Have I ever come to the point in my life where I can say, “I indeed . . . but He . . .”? Until that moment comes, I will never know what the baptism of the Holy Spirit means. I indeed am at the end, and I cannot do anything more— but He begins right there— He does the things that no one else can ever do. Am I prepared for His coming? Jesus cannot come and do His work in me as long as there is anything blocking the way, whether it is something good or bad. When He comes to me, am I prepared for Him to drag every wrong thing I have ever done into the light? That is exactly where He comes. Wherever I know I am unclean is where He will put His feet and stand, and wherever I think I am clean is where He will remove His feet and walk away.


    Repentance does not cause a sense of sin— it causes a sense of inexpressible unworthiness. When I repent, I realize that I am absolutely helpless, and I know that through and through I am not worthy even to carry His sandals. Have I repented like that, or do I have a lingering thought of possibly trying to defend my actions? The reason God cannot come into my life is that I am not at the point of complete repentance.


    “He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.” John is not speaking here of the baptism of the Holy Spirit as an experience, but as a work performed by Jesus Christ. “He will baptize you . . . .” The only experience that those who are baptized with the Holy Spirit are ever conscious of is the experience of sensing their absolute unworthiness.


    “I indeed” was this in the past, “but He” came and something miraculous happened. Get to the end of yourself where you can do nothing, but where He does everything.

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    For Women Only: Quatre

    I decided to skip posting on Feldhahn’s chapter on sex (you’ll just have to read the book) and almost decided to skip her chapter on girl-watching too. But I changed my mind. I’ll tell you why in a bit.

    Feldhahn points out that ALL men look at good-looking women (98% of those suveyed), and that this is normal and involuntary. Moreover, the compulsion is much stronger than most women know or can imagine.

    But Feldhahn doesn’t stop with labeling this as “normal” (i.e. wives, don’t freak out that you married a man with a roving eye). She acknowledges that lust of the eye is a sin (“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matt 5:8), but she points out that temptation is not sin–it’s what you do with the look that counts. Men can and do control their eyes and try to quench down bad thoughts, and so keep themselves from sinning. They may not be able not to want to look, but they can stop themselves from looking.

    But this book (and this post) was not written to teach men how to control their eyeballs. Tons of Christian books are written on that subject, by men, and for men. The application here is for women. Feldhahn’s main application is for married women, to help them understand their husbands’ struggles, so instead of being merely accusing, they can be supportive.

    But another one of her applications is to champion modesty in dress and action. And this is the reason I decided to post on this chapter.

    The other day, I saw a girl that made me do a major double take, for at first glance, she looked naked. But surely she cannot be naked in public! I looked again. On closer inspection, I realized she was wearing something that looked like a bathing suit that exposed her entire back. It was secured with a tiny string. When she turned around, I saw that the front of her shirt was a blushingly tight skimpy thing.

    And where was this girl? On the street? At the mall? No. She was at church (note: not at mine). And not only at church, but she was on stage reading the Scripture that day.

    After service, she approached the pastor and insisted on speaking to him at length. I felt sorry for the man. Where was the man to look? Nowhere was safe.

    So I want to put out a challenge here for all women. Please. PLEASE. PLEASE dress modestly, especially at church. When men turn to ooggle at a girl, we like to metaphorically whap them on the back of their heads and call them cads. But we cannot whap them if we ARE that girl.

    I am not advocating long loose grey dresses (not everyone looks good in grey), and I do like to dress up for church (never could manage jeans on a Sunday), but I am quite honestly ashamed at what some sisters wear in front of their Christian brothers, without realizing they are leading their brother into sin.

    Consider the words of Jesus:
    “And if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck.” Mark 9:42

    Serious words indeed! Time for some serious wardrobe upgrade!

  • It’s always such a curious thing, when God speaks directly into my heart… “Hello, McFly!  Anyone in there?”

     

     

    August 19


    Self-Awareness



    Come to Me . . .
    —Matthew 11:28

    God intends for us to live a well-rounded life in Christ Jesus, but there are times when that life is attacked from the outside. Then we tend to fall back into self-examination, a habit that we thought was gone. Self-awareness is the first thing that will upset the completeness of our life in God, and self-awareness continually produces a sense of struggling and turmoil in our lives. Self-awareness is not sin, and it can be produced by nervous emotions or by suddenly being dropped into a totally new set of circumstances. Yet it is never God’s will that we should be anything less than absolutely complete in Him. Anything that disturbs our rest in Him must be rectified at once, and it is not rectified by being ignored but only by coming to Jesus Christ. If we will come to Him, asking Him to produce Christ-awareness in us, He will always do it, until we fully learn to abide in Him.


    Never allow anything that divides or destroys the oneness of your life with Christ to remain in your life without facing it. Beware of allowing the influence of your friends or your circumstances to divide your life. This only serves to sap your strength and slow your spiritual growth. Beware of anything that can split your oneness with Him, causing you to see yourself as separate from Him. Nothing is as important as staying right spiritually. And the only solution is a very simple one— “Come to Me . . . .” The intellectual, moral, and spiritual depth of our reality as a person is tested and measured by these words. Yet in every detail of our lives where we are found not to be real, we would rather dispute the findings than come to Jesus.

  • Another story about Johnathan Sim from the Tacoma News Tribune:


    http://www.thenewstribune.com/news/local/story/5100507p-4645035c.html