Xanga used to be so popular back in the day… Everyone is on facebook.  I bought a lifetime membership because Xanga was the sh*t.  Not sure how many of my friends would still see this or how many of those friends are still friends… 

…but I turned 36 today and it feels unreal.  I didn’t really feel anything special when I turned 35, but being on the closer side to 40 than 30, perhaps there was a shift in my mind… soul… 

I am understanding spoken words from the past on a different plane… as they say, it’s all relative.  Approaching 40, God forbid, middle age, is scary.  I am having to face the music about my life and what I have accomplished or didn’t accomplish.  Very few imagined their life as it is currently, but I don’t want to be another person who said, “I thought my life would be so different”.  I don’t have to be.

I am happy and blessed.  I have a good life that was completed when I married my wife.  I never wished for big things, but silently hoped that big things would happen…somehow, miraculously… and it is now that I realize that those big things did happen.  Someone actually loved me enough to marry me.  Could there be anything bigger, with the exception that Christ suffered so we could be justified… 

He saved me… but it’s my efforts that will sanctify me… so that when He glorifies us in eternity, my human aspect makes me want to present something in front of Him… though, completely unnecessary.

I digress…  I am still learning that life’s satisfaction comes from trying, not always about succeeding.  ”It is the journey” that makes something worthwhile.  When you arrive at the destination, all the anticipation and excitement, preparation and longing are gone… and perhaps, God designed us that way, to strive and find satisfaction in my labor.  We are builders and creators.

I leave this post for myself as well, so that when I read back on it a year from now or many years from now, I will know there was this moment of tranquility… hope… growing ambition at 36 that should or could have been there at 26 or even 16.  I’m digging in my memory for those desires of years past to relate to what I am feeling now.  Not regret, but finding lost treasures that were buried in the back yard to help me propel forward.

I hope that Christ will remain centered and that these fingers and the intelligence I was given can leave a positive mark on the world.

I’d be very surprised if someone read this and responded…someone I know, but I quietly wanted to leave something for the world to find…  because Jae is happy and blessed… and hope all of you will be just as, if not more…

A ball and chain still drags behind me; it’s called consequences. In small print, it reads, “Property of Jae Yu”. my choices incur consequences naturally, but I designed and forged this “ball and chain”. I hold the key that would release it, but I’ve hidden it somewhere and can’t seem to find it.

I need Jesus to release it, but I’m too stubborn to ask for help… I mean, really ask for help… grace means God forgives and accepts me exactly as I am, but I have a hard time receiving this… because some time ago, I was taught that my mistakes must ALWAYS have consequences… and I must never forget what I have done. Scary…

Jesus waits for me to let go, because He’s gentle like that and won’t force me… but my heart is clenching harder… Why is that?

I won’t allow myself to go deeper into the secret place of God’s heart, because I pass judgment on myself. I deem myself unworthy and too stained, rejecting His open arms of love; in some way, this is more prideful than blatant arrogance… I’m turning from His countenance to save face; Christ made all things whole and restored me to righteousness, but my body language says “this is too much”. My head acknowledges this truth, but my heart has yet to embrace it.

As a consequence, I won’t let myself have what I truly desire… “I don’t deserve it” echoes in my heart.
I want good things and God being the best “good thing” there is… but I deprive myself of Him, too…

This must be the source of my cycling through passion to plateau to burn out to living fearful of passion… muddling in self-pity and pan-handling for spiritual crumbs. All the while, Jesus is standing behind me with a feast and gesturing to doors leading to glory… His glory.

This unforgiveness of self… this lack of loving oneself… I don’t know where it came from; I have good parents after all… but it’s the road block I haven’t gotten around in my journey.

Refiner’s fire…
Extravagant love…
Jesus.

Also, please pray for Steven Curtis Chapman and his family. Maria, their youngest daughter of 5 years, was killed yesterday, accidentally struck by a car driven by her teenage brother. Maria is 1 of 3 children adopted from China; the Chapman family are huge advocates of international adoptions.

Full article: http://www.tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080521/TUNEIN/80521174/1005/ENTERTAINMENT

I remember the days when Xanga had higher priority; in fact, I paid for a lifetime membership. LOL

Partly, my desire to write an entry has something to do with God working in me… So, I guess that means it’s been a while since I was humble enough to receive something profound from the Father, not that God hasn’t been working on me all this time.

…today, while listening to the worship team practice, a sudden rush of emotion followed by eyes welling up with tears… I was like, “Whoa… what was that?!?!” thus the “exclamation question mark”. It’s as if the Holy Spirit was saying, “It’s about time you knucklehead [chuckle].”

I think we go through cycles of hardening and softening of the heart, but hopefully, with each cycle, our hearts grow a bit softer and a little less harder.

John Maxwell says that people with soft hearts are happier, healthier and live longer [according to one of his medical sources] so it’s in our best interest to let things go and let God do His thing… harboring hurts and offenses in the “secret places” of our hearts only serves to be detrimental factors that harm us in the end.

There must be some truth to that saying, “Ignorance is bliss”, but not that we should be ignorant, but rather, forgetful and forgiving of the offenses against our person.

God is good.

There was just so much that went through my mind about Mogie… he’s been with me almost everyday since he was a pup and the thought of never seeing him again saddened me deeply.  The amount of bonding that occurred as I taught him tricks and right and wrong must’ve been just a tiny bit of insight into what it’s like to raise a child.  I can only imagine what that bond is going to be like… and it’s something I’m looking forward to.

I thought about Christ leaving the 99 to find the 1 lost sheep as I wandered around the neighborhood, posting signs and calling out to Mogie… not that I’m Christ – just a wannabe who seeks to be “like” Him. 

A friend of mine helped with making the first flyer… but as I was making a 2nd flyer with more pictures, the screen blurred as my eyes filled with tears.  That was a big shock.. I didn’t realize how much Mogie meant to me til then…and only increased my desire to take better care of him once he was found.

There are a lot of us [especially guys], who only know to think of ourselves, and I am one of them…and having Mogie has taught me to do otherwise, making another life a higher priority than myself.  I grew from this experience of having lost Mogie…and I felt something change in me; I felt a physical sensation as I realized some things… I am different.  I’ve grown.

Yea, I know some people out there are not dog lovers and think that I’m overreacting to a “dog”…  but please, don’t ever say “it’s just a dog” to me because Mogie is not just a dog.

God entrusted His creation to Adam…including all the animals. 

Mogie is a life that God entrusted to me, to take care of and to teach.  He’s my little companion who loves me unconditionally and whines when I don’t let him sleep on the bed near my feet.  It’s not all peaches and cream, but the good far outweighs the bad.

God, thank you for bringing him home safely.

So, I told a friend that the neighbors who found Mogie bought him dog food, milk bones, chew toy, some kind of doggy jerky, stuffed toy, collar and leash… and they gave me all of that when I went to pick up Mogie.  They wouldn’t accept the reward I was offering either.

“Doesn’t it sound like they were planning on keeping him?” is what my friend asked.  After all, he did ask if I was willing to sell the dog…

But you know what?  I’m being petty just entertaining those thoughts.
Mogie is back and safe and they took really good care of him.

I’d like to pay them back somehow though, at least for all the things they gave me, but they won’t take money.  They do own a cat.

Any suggestions?

I’m grateful.

Thanks to everyone’s prayers, Mogie is home and safe. 

I have to admit though, that I lost some sleep over this entire ordeal; I’m sure dog lovers [pet lovers] will relate best when I say, I really really missed Mogie. 

So, here’s the story…

I got a call today at around noon, from some guy named John.  He sounded drunk on the phone, which raised some concern…
As it turns out, John lives LITERALLY right across the street from my new house [named the "Renaissance House" and co-owned by John Wu - and that's an entirely new and different entry] in Bellevue.  Mogie wandered outside via a door left open accidentally and managed to follow some monks [dressed in bright orange garb] into my neighbors’ house.  Yeah, he just walked right into their house and hung out with them for 2 days..  Mogie is one of those dogs that warms up to anyone and everyone.

My neighbor just so happened to see the flyer that was nailed to the mailbox.

Funny thing…while speaking to John [not John Wu], he actually asked if I’d be willing to sell Mogie to them.  LOL  He said, “I’ve never seen a dog that was so well trained.  How’d you do it?”
Can you see me beaming with pride???? 

On the other hand, I wish I was that popular.  Maybe I should learn to beg for food or even better, just walk right into someone’s home and hang out for a couple of days..

Anyways… it may sound a little silly to some of you who are not big fans of dogs, but for those who are, I know how much it would hurt to lose your canine friend.
So, if any of you loses a dog or cat or squirrel, let me know and I’ll join your search party.

I learned a lot of lessons…life lessons to be specific.
I’ll add to this post later about that…

Just wanted to let people know that Mogie is safe and I got my birthday wish. 

God is good!

This is Mogie, my little buddy who’s been with me for the last 1.5 years, practically everyday.  He was lost on Saturday, January 5th, in Bellevue, near 2nd St. NE and 160th Ave NE.  He got out while a door was left open accidentally. 

If you see a dog that looks similar, please contact me at 206.940.8889.

It’s been a while since I’ve written here consistently… thanks to My Space, Friendster and most recently, Facebook… but for just plain old fashion blogging, xanga is still the best for me. 

I can’t help but smirk, at the thought that I’m just now starting to really grow up… I realized that blooming late is a trend in my life, but this is really ridiculous, but maybe, just maybe, 2008 will find Jae Bum fulfilling more of his potential and living life with courage, no longer just a “nice guy” who gives in too often but a “tough guy” who shows kindness often.  One can only hope. 

I had a weird thought today… maybe it isn’t so weird for those who’ve thought it, but I just got really tired of being a “nice guy”.  You know what they say about “nice guys” and finishing last; I can see how that can be true but I don’t want to be that guy… a finishing last kind of guy.  But I can’t deny what I am and how I think, the way I make judgment calls and the logic I use to make decisions.  I can improve myself with more knowledge and seeking Wisdom, but will it really change the nature of my “niceness”, the kind that gets kinda pushed over? 

It gets tiring… biting your tongue… taking that extra deep breath to sooth a surging retaliation… to overlook a wrong… it’s draining. 

This isn’t a rant… it’s not a complaint…  it’s just how things are for me…

The flip side of looking out for myself is that I’m easily absorbed in it, losing sight of what I want to be in what I understand as being Godly.  I’m always on polar ends, either being “too nice” or “too selfish” and can’t seem to find a balance.  But there’s always hope and I’m not moping around.  2008… 8 is the Biblical number for new beginnings and 7 is the  Biblical number for the completion of a rough period.  Get my drift? 

Over the years, some friends have commented that I’m nothing like the first impression I gave them.  This makes me chuckle, too.  It’s almost a cliche, having grown up in Tacoma, to have the tough/rough exterior but the overly sensitive inside… it only makes sense that sensitive areas need more protection, right? 

Anyways… today, I was tired of being a “nice guy” but “tomorrow” will make me just a bit stronger… a bit closer to fulfilling my potential… living up to expectations, not of others, but of my own that God has placed in me. 

I have to protect my family and friends and above all, live for the faith I believe to be the single absolute truth – Jesus died for me and you… and you and you… ’cause He really really likes us a lot. 

It’s okay to be ambitious.

What am I really writing about???  Sometimes I wonder if I should be embarrassed about the things I write here, having whomever reading my thoughts… Not sure… just thinking in written form. 

2007 is a good year…
2008 will be better… and better… and better.
I know it.

God is good!

. . . unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven
—Matthew 18:3

These words the Lord spoke to His disciples almost always created an image of myself returning to a younger stage in life, to a time of sheltered living and ignorance, in which one could say is a more “pure” state.  I couldn’t have been more wrong. 

God wants for us to have greater knowledge and wisdom; “ignorance is bliss” is NOT a compelling argument.  We often refer to someone who doesn’t know the ways of the world to be “so pure” and “untainted”, and to some extent it’s true, but true purity, I believe, comes from choosing to be so… and it’s not about being “untainted” as much as it is about “good housekeeping”. 

It’s a struggle to be pure; we’re surrounded by contaminants and with the advance of technology, there are so many more tools that can used for evil.  Just like money, internet for example is not evil in itself, but the manner in which we deploy its usefulness…and motive. 

My thoughts today dwell on this… that I am a work in progress.  Key word is “work”. 

It takes work…