A ball and chain still drags behind me; it’s called consequences. In small print, it reads, “Property of Jae Yu”. my choices incur consequences naturally, but I designed and forged this “ball and chain”. I hold the key that would release it, but I’ve hidden it somewhere and can’t seem to find it.

I need Jesus to release it, but I’m too stubborn to ask for help… I mean, really ask for help… grace means God forgives and accepts me exactly as I am, but I have a hard time receiving this… because some time ago, I was taught that my mistakes must ALWAYS have consequences… and I must never forget what I have done. Scary…

Jesus waits for me to let go, because He’s gentle like that and won’t force me… but my heart is clenching harder… Why is that?

I won’t allow myself to go deeper into the secret place of God’s heart, because I pass judgment on myself. I deem myself unworthy and too stained, rejecting His open arms of love; in some way, this is more prideful than blatant arrogance… I’m turning from His countenance to save face; Christ made all things whole and restored me to righteousness, but my body language says “this is too much”. My head acknowledges this truth, but my heart has yet to embrace it.

As a consequence, I won’t let myself have what I truly desire… “I don’t deserve it” echoes in my heart.
I want good things and God being the best “good thing” there is… but I deprive myself of Him, too…

This must be the source of my cycling through passion to plateau to burn out to living fearful of passion… muddling in self-pity and pan-handling for spiritual crumbs. All the while, Jesus is standing behind me with a feast and gesturing to doors leading to glory… His glory.

This unforgiveness of self… this lack of loving oneself… I don’t know where it came from; I have good parents after all… but it’s the road block I haven’t gotten around in my journey.

Refiner’s fire…
Extravagant love…
Jesus.

Also, please pray for Steven Curtis Chapman and his family. Maria, their youngest daughter of 5 years, was killed yesterday, accidentally struck by a car driven by her teenage brother. Maria is 1 of 3 children adopted from China; the Chapman family are huge advocates of international adoptions.

Full article: http://www.tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080521/TUNEIN/80521174/1005/ENTERTAINMENT

I remember the days when Xanga had higher priority; in fact, I paid for a lifetime membership. LOL

Partly, my desire to write an entry has something to do with God working in me… So, I guess that means it’s been a while since I was humble enough to receive something profound from the Father, not that God hasn’t been working on me all this time.

…today, while listening to the worship team practice, a sudden rush of emotion followed by eyes welling up with tears… I was like, “Whoa… what was that?!?!” thus the “exclamation question mark”. It’s as if the Holy Spirit was saying, “It’s about time you knucklehead [chuckle].”

I think we go through cycles of hardening and softening of the heart, but hopefully, with each cycle, our hearts grow a bit softer and a little less harder.

John Maxwell says that people with soft hearts are happier, healthier and live longer [according to one of his medical sources] so it’s in our best interest to let things go and let God do His thing… harboring hurts and offenses in the “secret places” of our hearts only serves to be detrimental factors that harm us in the end.

There must be some truth to that saying, “Ignorance is bliss”, but not that we should be ignorant, but rather, forgetful and forgiving of the offenses against our person.

God is good.