I’ve been told that no “man” is an island… and I’ve been told rightly.

In hind-sight, I was a bit rash in my last entry, giving too much credit to my “old self” and not enough to the “new self” that’s found in Christ.  So melodramatic… but at least I snapped out of it quickly and hopefully, won’t fall into that type of dramatics so easily.

Time to set new goals and new resolutions and ways to keep track of progress… Happy New Year everyone!

Another confessional moment…

A new revelation about myself in continuance with the analysis on the condition of my heart: there exists fears previously unbeknownst to me or perhaps denied… sort of “under the radar” (if you know what that means); unconscious fears that manifest themselves through my behavior.

There’s an irrational fear… a fear of actualizing whatever God-given potential is resting in me… a fear of achieving the standards of the voice resonating in my mind… this same fear stifles the pursuit of attaining the desires of my heart, a heart that God is constantly at work on…  I’ve always shared that fears are to be faced head on and without hesitation, but taking my own advice isn’t so easy.

Maybe the lesson is, I should be more compassionate about people’s emotional weaknesses, which I grow impatient with way too often or perhaps, I AM SIMPLY MUCH WEAKER THAN I ONCE THOUGHT.  There aren’t many things I truly fear, but the fears that do exist are strong… 

This almost sounds like something out of Star Wars… the fears that led to the “dark force” becoming strong in the little boy who grows up to become Darth Vader…some may say I act like him at times… heh heh ^__^

I don’t fully understand when and where these fears arose or for how long or why, but they have been there a long time.  Deeply rooted, this fear isn’t just an innate senation anymore… it’s ugly head surfaced the waters of the conscious mind.
…it scares me, what will unearth as the field of my heart is plowed.  I don’t blame my past or childhood… I am solely responsible for myself, especially since I am more than capable of making the right choices now, for the blood of Christ has set me free from the law of sin and death… despite what I know, I must confess, my heart is heavy and fearful like a child.  Lord, mercy me.

It’s 3:24 in the morning… and my family was playing that Korean game, with the 4 little sticks with markings on them…until now.  The funniest part, besides the fact that my family played a game til this late (or early in the morning), is that my parents had the most fun. 

You know when we were kids, our parents did a lot of silly things to make us smile or laugh… or played silly little games to entertain their little ones… and here and now, it seems the roles are starting to get reversed in my family… ^__^ in that, my brother and I played the game for so long because our parents were having a “Laughter Festival”…  we just couldn’t stop because my parents were just having too much fun. 

I think tonight will be among the memories I’ll carry with me and recall when I am discouraged or lost…I am thankful that we are a family of believers, all with a place to stay in our Heavenly Father’s mansion.  I am so very thankful for that…  I hope and pray each one of everyone’s family members come to know the Lord.  If not yet, then let’s pray for them together…as the Body of Christ.

So I come home tonight and open the door to all this yelling and laughing…  there’s my mom and dad, sitting on the floor, playing some traditional Korean game throwing 4 little sticks with markings on them.  They’re both laughing so hard, especially my mom.  I couldn’t help but just smile and chuckle.  Apparently, my mom won $10 from my dad…certainly something to celebrate.  ^__^

I’ve always “felt” guilty for making my needs a priority… always “felt” guilty if I didn’t say “yes” to everyone… always “felt” inadequate if I wasn’t doing so much for others… always “felt”… but that’s what they were…things I “felt” but not reality.

I’m moving onto the next step of what God began in me since the Alaska Mission trip… it was a time of brokeness and pruning, but the Lord is preparing me for growth now.

It is okay to make my needs a priority.  I don’t always have to say “yes” to everyone.  I don’t have to “feel inadequate” for not doing enough for others… I don’t have to “feel” anything, but it is time to “know” truths and live them more completely. 

Even as I write this entry, I “feel” selfish, but I “know” otherwise…  I’ve also always “felt” guilty for asking people to pray for me, but that is just foolishness.  So, brothers and sisters who are reading this, please remember me in your prayers as you are led to pray AND please don’t hesitate to send me prayer requests also, as I will diligently lift them to the Lord.  God bless each and everyone of you wonderful people ^___^

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I got a chance to stop and breathe a while from all my busyness… God said, “I miss you.”

He also convicted my insides, “Seek to know me with diligence, not just the answers to all your questions.  I am aware of all your needs as well as all the desires of your heart, even since before your birth… before you were fashioned in the womb.  I have this incredible ability that few people know about, so it SEEMS, and this special ability is to make the impossible very much POSSIBLE!  Do not forget.  Remember who you are in relevance to ME and how important you are to ME.  I have a plan for you that is complete to the finest details… trust in ME.”

A friend of mine warned me yesterday that I’ve been getting quite preachy lately… and it drives people crazy sometimes… ha ha ha… it’s good to hear straight forward honesty cause it really does help me keep things in perspective.  I know many of us are afraid to speak truthfully sometimes because we don’t want to hurt the people in our lives… but think about the detrimental effects that occurs when you let that brother or sister continue their mistakes.  This friend says “just listen” when people are venting… not offer more advice or preach… Well, that’s a good reminder as well a good advice.  I am truly grateful and thankful, my friend.

Often, I’d like to think that I can do just as well on my own with my own thoughts and judgment, but reality and experience says… “NOPE!”  I’m just too close to myself to see things clearly… it’s a wonder even lawyers hire other lawyers to take care of their case.

It saddens me to think of people who live without much contact or accountability, especially the kind of accountability that exists in the Christian community… although, not always at its best, I wouldn’t trade it for any other.  It’s a work in progress… you can contribute positively or you’re already taking away from it. If not for God, you are already against Him.

Imagine life without Christ… I shudder at the thought…