December 28, 2004

• Another confessional moment…

  
  

  A new revelation about myself in continuance with the analysis on the condition of my heart: there exists fears previously unbeknownst to me or perhaps denied… sort of “under the radar” (if you know what that means); unconscious fears that manifest themselves through my behavior.

  
  

  There’s an irrational fear… a fear of actualizing whatever God-given potential is resting in me… a fear of achieving the standards of the voice resonating in my mind… this same fear stifles the pursuit of attaining the desires of my heart, a heart that God is constantly at work on…  I’ve always shared that fears are to be faced head on and without hesitation, but taking my own advice isn’t so easy.

  
  

  Maybe the lesson is, I should be more compassionate about people’s emotional weaknesses, which I grow impatient with way too often or perhaps, I AM SIMPLY MUCH WEAKER THAN I ONCE THOUGHT.  There aren’t many things I truly fear, but the fears that do exist are strong… 

  
  

  This almost sounds like something out of Star Wars… the fears that led to the “dark force” becoming strong in the little boy who grows up to become Darth Vader…some may say I act like him at times… heh heh ^__^

  
  

  I don’t fully understand when and where these fears arose or for how long or why, but they have been there a long time.  Deeply rooted, this fear isn’t just an innate senation anymore… it’s ugly head surfaced the waters of the conscious mind.
  …it scares me, what will unearth as the field of my heart is plowed.  I don’t blame my past or childhood… I am solely responsible for myself, especially since I am more than capable of making the right choices now, for the blood of Christ has set me free from the law of sin and death… despite what I know, I must confess, my heart is heavy and fearful like a child.  Lord, mercy me.

  • 11:07 pm
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