February 28, 2006

• It feels like the weight of the world is on me… but it’s not.  It’s just how I feel.
  

  
  

  My mom and I rushed to the Emergency Room last night; my dad fell from a scaffold and got knocked unconscious.  When we arrived, he was still strapped into the gurney [spelling?] and was in a lot of pain.  As I gazed at his helpless figure, still strapped motionless, it caught me by surprise how much his hair had greyed.  It was just a few months ago that his hair was still jet black, so it seems, but he’s getting older.  My dad’s changed in a lot of good ways, too, and it’s a testament to God’s amazing grace.  I jokingly told him, “Dad, now you can just sit around and watch TV all day and get fat.”  My Dad says in Korean, “You brat, I would spend that extra time studying the Bible.”  Wow… that was humbling, but my respect for my Father continues to grow.

  
  

  My mom is stuck at Sea-Tac right now because her flight was delayed.  I dropped her off this morning; my mom is flying to Florida to take care of my aunt who just had surgery to remove cancerous tumors near her lungs and heart.  My mom doesn’t hide emotions very well; she tries to.  I think she felt a lot of weight on her shoulders, too.  She’s expected to fly to Florida to take care of my aunt and then, there’s her duties to her life long and loving husband who was just injured at work.  I don’t know how she does it… how she lasted all these years with so much laughter and warmth; it’s got to be the “Jesus” in her that lets her overcome. 

  
  

  Both my parents… they’re proof that God works amazingly and that He loves us deeply, more than we’ll ever know while on Earth.

  
  

  Being a Christian isn’t always about the blessings and the wonderful experiences we go through in Christ… because sometimes, life just sucks.  Life sucks real hard sometimes.  Just because we’re Believers and have been saved by grace doesn’t mean we’re spared the suffering and turmoil that everyone else on Earth goes through.  I guess I have less patience for people who are always happy happy joy joy, not that I want them to be sad, but it’s so unreal.  Even Christ had moments of hardship and wanted to be left alone to rejuvenate.  In fact, we may be subject to even harsher conditions, if we so choose. 

  
  

  But if you’re really full of that much joy all the time and it’s a Godly joy, share some with me, brother or sister  and I’ll try reciprocating. 

  
  

  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not bitter.  I’m not angry at God or at other people.  I’m not wishing I had a million dollars so I can fix everything or that I could live life as a movie star or any of that.  I’m just experiencing the downside of real life and it sucks.  I know there are seasons and this is just another one.  There will be another. 

  
  

  “You never know what you’re gonna get.”
  

  
  

  Yeah, life is full of uncertainties and some people have completely given over to that “assumption” and live fearfully.  There are such things as absolute truths… but even death or suffering are not absolute… absolutes don’t include the “downsides of life” or that “what goes up must come down” crap.  Yeah, it’s all crap.

  
  

  Absolute truths that I know…  GOD IS GOOD.  GOD IS LOVE.  HE IS FAITHFUL AND WILL REDEEM US.  HE LOVES ME AND HE LOVES YOU… so I’ll do my best to love you, too. 

  
  

  I probably owe some people apologies as I’ve been a “lot” on edge and might have treated people badly [but not intentionally].  I usually do a pretty good job of not letting how I feel affect my actions, esp. the way I treat people, but man… I think I’m running low on stamina…  If I owe you an apology, I’ll get to it… and if I don’t, please confront me, but be gentle… I’m fragile right now. 

  
  

  My Senior Pastor must’ve noticed, cause after church this past Sunday, he said for me to take a day and just spend it with myself.  He said to take a ferry and go on a trip alone, have a time of reflection and ponder… I’m guessing that it’s so I can get fixated in the right direction and charge ahead with a full tank of gas. 
  
  At the rate I’m going, it was bound to happen… funny thing is, I almost always drive my car with my gas light on… filling up at the last possible moment.
  I ran out of gas once, but it was because I was going uphill but as soon as my two passengers helped me push it to the top of the hill, I had enough gas left to make it to a gas station.
  Thanks Bill and Danny… ha ha ha.

  
  

  So I need to make some changes.

  
  

  I don’t know about a ferry trip… but how about a snowboard trip?  Just me, my board, the mountain and of course, Abba.

  
  

  God is good, ya’ll. 
  Don’t forget.
  
  Peace out.
  

  • 3:06 pm
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