Another interesting day at Starbucks… there was a customer today who was very upset with me…the funny thing is no one else thought I did anything wrong.  He was just a grumpy man who was bitter with life…he looked offended when I repeated his order back to him (something we always do).  And then as I took his money, he seemed even more upset.  He snatched the money out of my hands with an exaggerated motion and glared at me as he walked away.  I asked him if he had a problem…and then he started to raise his voice saying, “No.  I don’t have a problem, but you do!”  He accused me of giving him bad customer service and that I had snatched the money from his hand.  My manager intervened quickly, but he kept saying how rude I was and that I gave him horrible service.  I thought he was joking at first…but as reality dawned on me, I fell to disbelief.  For a moment, I felt my anger rise and I wanted a real “confrontation” with the guy, but surprisingly, the anger dissipated quickly and I felt sorry for the guy.

the next customer was a regular who comes in every single day and spends hours at our store.  He was just laughing and joking about the whole situation.  He mentioned something to me that scared me a little.  He said, “when you get older, you’ll be like that, too.”  I told him that I hope that wouldn’t be true… but I guess people who live without the light of Christ in their lives get beaten up by life’s hardships and turn bitter.  What would our lives be like had Christ not touched our hearts to submit to His Lordship and accept Him as our Savior.  I know I would be worse than that bitter man…but thank God for grace and forgiveness of sins.

I’m just thankful today.  For one, some friends worked out their differences and became more close…God is so amazingly gracious and good.  Second, my deeply seeded anger that often rises under duress seems to be disappearing…leaving only what God is placing in me through much pruning and refining. 

You know that song about refiner’s fire…the one with the words “pure gold”… I’m sure I must’ve looked like pitch black dirt mixed in with tar and doodoo when I first came to Christ… but hopefully, there is some “shiny” stuff coming forward, but only by the grace of God.

Today utterly sucked… traffic sucked… work sucked… cause I got sprayed in the head with whip cream by a co-worker on purpose… humiliating to say the least… but in all this, God convicted me to work harder…  I worked harder today than ever before… because I haven’t been a good witness to my co-workers… because I have not worked as if working for the Lord…  Can you believe it?  I didn’t even get angry…and it was as if God had sprayed that whip cream Himself to get my attention and to humble me!!!!  GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS I TELL YOU!!!!

It’s been a while since I updated…don’t wanna be like Jeff .  You know I love you brah.

Anyways…the last several weeks… extremely tumultuous… unsettling… disturbing… but as always, there is a calm after a storm…one of many more storms to come, but for now, this one is over.  In light of the hurricanes that devasted life on this planet, what must it be like to start all over with nothing?  In no way am I implying that I know what this feels like, but I’ve gained a sense of starting from scratch…in some ways, it’s great, but the process of losing what you had…sucks.

God sets before His presence a blank canvas and begins to paint… I being that blank canvas… after much humbling and being broken down…  Ever try to draw a picture or paint?  IT’S FRUSTATING!  It never turns out the way you want it to, but since God is holding the paintbrush now, I can just lay before His presence and get painted on.  I’ll be a beautiful picture one day (ha ha ha ha…I’m laughing at myself for even saying that… it almost sounds like “I’m a beautiful butterfly”)

Anyways, life is not great but it is not horrible…it’s just all God’s gravy… and it’s good.

What does it mean to be a “true” disciple?  As I’m beginning to learn the hard lessons of leaving my “old self”, the lessons of discipline are also being drilled into my thick head.  As a disciple, discipline is a fundamental must…not only of my spiritual life, but of my mentality, emotional health and and even physical health, beating my body unto submission…for it is the temple of God.

Last night was amazing…my father…my mother and myself…sitting around in a circle, talking and finally on the same page…connected and understood one another.  We talked for hours and began to understand one another’s hearts… after 28 plus years of life, God finally brought my parents and me to the same rally point…of course, it was mostly me lagging behind all these years ^^  ha ha ha…but it was “GOOD”.  GOD IS GOOD!!!!!

Want to know what it feels like to start from scratch?  Me, too.  But, through this process of being pruned, I’ve lost the joy I once had, even in praising our God…  there is indifference to everything…everything is just “blah”  I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a freshly pruned fruit tree, but it looks pretty pathetic – no leaves or smaller brances.  I saw myself that way with human eyes…so pathetic looking and useless….  As far as my joy is concerned…it’s gone but at the same time, there’s peace, knowing that it will return and be placed in the right things with His guidance.  I’ve always found joy in things that skirted around the source of all joy… and if you remember anything Pastor Keith said…if you answer, “God or Jesus”, you’ll have the right answer.  No doubt, God is the center of that joy and He is the very source…  even in praise, I must have placed myself a higher priority than giving God “worth” in worship…it was more important for me to feel blessed than to give God true worship… 

Pastor Keith prayed for my heart to be pure…and thanked God that my heart was pure… it didin’t make sense at the time, to pray for a pure heart and thanking God that I already had a pure heart…and it dawned on me, that he must’ve thanked God for the heart I would have in the future…because he already knew that God would answer the prayer for purity of heart.  By no means is my heart where it needs to be…but God is working to make it so…as stubborn as I am…He is breaking me down… Who can stand up to God, right?

He also mentioned that he would not reveal some things to people because he didin’t want them to get hurt…I think… he must have seen how impure my heart really was…how dark, selfish and self-centered.  But somehow…here I am before God…being refined in fire… and trust me when I say this, it hurts… so my brotha’s and sista’s…take a lesson from me… don’t let your heart be built up for yourself too much or else God will have to step in and lay the “smack down”. 

Almost always, the reasons will elude us when we are in the thick of things… but as the fog clears…WOW!!!!!

“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  Romans 15:13

“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles…”  Isaiah 40:30-31a

All I can say is…ouch.  A season of intense pruning…getting rid of all the unnecessary things…but soon there will be a time for bearing of fruit.  Oh Lord, I so look forward to those days.

My mind was so foggy til now… just got back from my workout and God allowed my head to clear.  It felt as if I woke from a bad dream…this is what it must be like to be given over to a “depraved mind”…because I was so inwardly focused and selfish.

As I drove home, there was this freak rain shower, as if God dumped a God-sized bucket full of water on me.  As the rain subsided, the sun came through the clouds and there before was a rainbow…a reminder of God’s promise to never destroy the world again with a flood.  I can only imagine Noah’s reaction, but mine was uplifting.

God is gracious.  He hears our every prayer and when we finally allign ourselves to His will, He answers, “Yes”.

I hope we are all encouraging one another.  Kenny was gracious to me, encouraging me to carry on, i.e., get over it   God is good.

All that I am, all that I have, I lay them down before you, O Lord

All my regrets, all my acclaim, the joy and the pain, I’m making them Yours.

Things in the past, things yet unseen, wishes and dreams that are yet to come true

All of my hopes, all of my plans, My heart and my hands are lifted to you

Lord, I offer my life to You, everything I’ve been through, use it for your glory

Lord I offer my days to You, lifting my praise to you as a pleasing sacrifice.

Lord i offer You my life.

It hit me like a crashing wave… my heart is dark and evil, attempting to use God for my gain.  I sought Him for my sake, not for His glory.  I deserve only death… anything good in life is a bonus.