September 8, 2004
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Want to know what it feels like to start from scratch? Me, too. But, through this process of being pruned, I’ve lost the joy I once had, even in praising our God… there is indifference to everything…everything is just “blah” I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a freshly pruned fruit tree, but it looks pretty pathetic – no leaves or smaller brances. I saw myself that way with human eyes…so pathetic looking and useless…. As far as my joy is concerned…it’s gone but at the same time, there’s peace, knowing that it will return and be placed in the right things with His guidance. I’ve always found joy in things that skirted around the source of all joy… and if you remember anything Pastor Keith said…if you answer, “God or Jesus”, you’ll have the right answer. No doubt, God is the center of that joy and He is the very source… even in praise, I must have placed myself a higher priority than giving God “worth” in worship…it was more important for me to feel blessed than to give God true worship…
Pastor Keith prayed for my heart to be pure…and thanked God that my heart was pure… it didin’t make sense at the time, to pray for a pure heart and thanking God that I already had a pure heart…and it dawned on me, that he must’ve thanked God for the heart I would have in the future…because he already knew that God would answer the prayer for purity of heart. By no means is my heart where it needs to be…but God is working to make it so…as stubborn as I am…He is breaking me down… Who can stand up to God, right?
He also mentioned that he would not reveal some things to people because he didin’t want them to get hurt…I think… he must have seen how impure my heart really was…how dark, selfish and self-centered. But somehow…here I am before God…being refined in fire… and trust me when I say this, it hurts… so my brotha’s and sista’s…take a lesson from me… don’t let your heart be built up for yourself too much or else God will have to step in and lay the “smack down”.
