February 18, 2005
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Not being able to see where the road ahead is leading – i guess you can take 2 perspectives: anxious or excited. The unknown instills fear in some people while others get all excited, even needing the unknown’s to feel like they’re alive.
The thing that frustrates me most is when i make plans and it’s not followed through. i know people have seen me get frustrated when a plan doesn’t work the way it’s “supposed” to. Bottom line…i probably did a poor job planning.
Then there are times when i lose sight of my goals and direction. Moments of doubt creep into my mind… “Are you really calling me to ministry?” “Do you really want me in seminary?” “When?” “How?”
i think there’s a burden in each of us to do something… and that burden, though light, seems overwhelming at times, making us feel…inadequate. but maybe that’s the cross we have to bear…the one thing we have to carry when we want to give up…struggling to remember that Christ is with you and Himself the bearer of the heaviest cross of all… So, He relates exactly to our experiences… and there’s much comfort in that.
I have a good job right now…an opportunity to clear all my loans and debts. What i am a bit fearful of now is losing sight of what God has for me. He has things planned that i have yet to fathom in my limited thinking, not that i am “destined” for greatness, but that He’s willing to use me for something great to advance His kingdom.
in moments when i feel inadequate and weak, even worthless and without purpose, i’ve learned that God wants me exactly there. He doesn’t want me to be miserable and full of self-pity… but He knows that when i’m in that wretched state, i am a vessel ready to be filled by His glory… so i do my best to smile and carry on… and sure enough, He lifts me up every single time.
a glove can never move on its own… only when the hand fills the glove does the glove become animated… and so are we, just gloves laying on the counter, lifeless until the Spiritual Hand of God fills us up.
