I came to realize today that much of what I write here is vague… As I continue my quest to become more transparent…here goes… ^ ^

It’s a thought that’s always lurking in the back of my  mind, ever since I had this encounter with God when I was 19…about 9 years ago.  One morning, while deep into my QT, it dawned on me that God could really call me to be a bachelor ’til the rapture… and as I thought about it, the impression that God was calling me to this became very powerful…and slowly, I came to the realization that God was challenging me with this:

“Will you still be faithful even if I call you to singlehood your whole life?”

Let’s just say… you’ve probably never seen a big Korean guy cry like I did and wail like an overgrown baby…sobbing like a little girl (no offense ladies).  It took me a while to come to terms with this, but what can anyone do but submit to His grace and authority… so I stopped looking…  but always, a hope existed that God would send someone…. and I met someone at the tender age of 25 (ha ha ha)… at first, a friendship and then it turned into something more… and I met my first and only girlfriend thus far.

Sure, it was all that I dreamed of… but it wasn’t meant to be as things fell apart the second year of our relationship…nearly 2 years of getting to know someone and it all comes crashing down…reality sucks sometimes doesn’t it? 

I won’t go into all the drab details, but having to let her go was the hardest thing I had to do up that point in my life… she didn’t leave me… I think it would have been easier had she left me, but it was the other way around… and that part still haunts me… not that I’m holding onto any affections I had for her…those feelings are long gone since then… but that I hurt her in that way…  a sense that I had betrayed her…I let her down… all the could’ves and should’ves… it’s all useless, I know…

it’s been about 2 years now… in some sense, I’ve given up on the idea that God would send someone… and here I am wondering…  and now I’m asking the question…

“Will I still be faithful, even if God calls me to singlehood the rest of my life?”

I apologize if this seems depressing, but I’m not depressed…no, not at all… on the contrary, life is good, tough, but good…

When I work out, I try to visualize the outcome of all the struggle… a healthier me.  When I run after lifting weights, it helps to keep my mind off the pain that grows slowly over time… since my body is already tired from lifting…  so I think and pray a lot while running and before I know it, I’ve run several miles and I’m done.

Tonight, the thoughts that crossed my mind is this…

“I cannot do this alone.  I need a helper, because I am so pathetic in my meager efforts.  

I need a partner in ministry because I thrive when working in tandem… 

I have a need to bear ”her” burdens, so that “her” troubles may be halved and for “her” to share “her” joy with me, so that the JOY may be doubled… and for me, ditto. 

I want to laugh at silly things with this ‘someone’, enjoying the simplicity that God-breathed life is purposed for… 

Finding ‘completion’ as God intended and yeah, there’s so much more beyond the scope of my imagination.” 

The odd part of all this is, I do not feel “lonely” though I do feel alone at times… strange isn’t it?  I know God sustains me and meets my every need without fail…even this “need” for completion, He fills and satisfies..

God is amazingly good…never allowing us to bear more than what we are able to handle, but always pushing us right to the edge. 

One of the fastest ways to build muscle is to work towards muscle failure…even forcing movement past failure (with the help of a buddy of course).  …and the pain that comes from muscle failure is excruciating… but, you get used to it after a while because you know in your mind, pain won’t kill you AND you’ll be much stronger tomorrow when you recover from that failure…

Failure leads to increased strength… what an amazing God we serve.

just some thoughts I had today….

Today was a step forward in shedding my complacencies…it’s not enough to be satisfied in just “making the team”… one must become a contributer to the success of the team… As a believer, I’ve been overly satisfied in sitting on the bench, honored to be just on the team…  Today I realized that there are no bench warmers on God’s team… you either play (and everyone gets to play) or you can watch from the stands… I’m tired of cheering and I want to play.  Anyone want to join me?

Today was a relaxing day…didn’t have to work and deal with stressed-out people who come to Starbucks, thinking they will find relief…only to be caffeined out and then hitting bottom again after the ‘feine wears out… then coming back to Starbucks… I feel so bad for these people who live life from latte to latte, hoping to make it through the day before the caffeine wears out or until they get their next cup of coffee.

Just a thought today…. in the same manner, there are so many brothers and sisters who live Sunday to Sunday, hoping that the message will keep them spiritually high throughout the week until they get their spiritual fix the following Sunday.  They look for churches that has a good sermon-giving pastor who will inspire them and make them “feel” blessed.  I know there’s nothing wrong with seeking a good pastor who gives good messages, but is that all to Christian living?  I think not… 

There are so many things I can do to keep myself better focused on Christ, which is a task that gets so easily sidetracked.  Well, it shouldn’t even be called a “task” but should be a part of my overall lifestyle…a life style of worship that involves every aspect of my life.

I need brothers and sisters to keep me accountable just as they need them to keep them accountable…isn’t that one of the core aspects of church?  There’s always just a few who do all the work… No wonder 10% of the population owns 90% of the wealth in the world.  Only 10% are really willing to work above and beyond their comfort levels.

A challenge for myself today, to keep my brothers and sisters accountable to studying the Word and praying, even praying with them and studying the Word together.  I have a feeling that I will face many disappointments, especially because I am imperfect and will fail quite often…making lots and lots of mistakes. 

The good part of screwing up is that we get to experience God’s grace once again.   I’m aware that it’s tough to rebuke someone… because you don’t want to offend or hurt that brother/sister, but I am making it known publicly, that I welcome rebuke and correction, so PLEASE let me know when I do something silly, but be gentle ’cause I’m fragile…ha ha ha… like anyone would believe that.  I hope that accountability would become an extension of our God-love expressions for one another, not a duty or burden…… as iron sharpens iron.

I get so annoyed when I get “tunnel vision” and forget the peripheral details of life.  I forget to breathe in the fresh morning air… enjoy the cleansing of the Seattle rain… admire the turning of colors in the leaves… take immense pleasure in the positive changes that occur all around me…  

I know we all lead busy lives…it’s the paradigm of the Mary versus the Martha… are we sitting at His feet enough or are we just too busy running around, although with good intentions?  Or are we just sitting at His feet, clinging to His leg when Christ is trying to get up, expecting us to get up with Him and follow?  I think we all have done a little of both… me more clinging than running around lately… but I see all this running around I have to do and don’t know what to think of it…

God doesn’t seem to change situations to make us feel better…but He gently nudges us to find Him in those situations that we may find His peace and His goodness…His purpose even.  These moments define our maturity and closeness to our Creator… I think… how quickly we lose sight of our Savior… who can blame Peter for sinking?  BUT, Jesus always comes to our rescue when we start to sink, doesn’t He?  Even if our prayer is just “Help!” 

“But SEEK FIRST His kingdom and His righteousness, AND all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own” Matthew 6:33-34

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”  Matthe 7:7-8

A thought as I was driving home today… Even if Christ never performed a miracle or was not a great orator who spoke wisdom beyond His years, people would have been drawn to Him yet…  When the multitudes followed Him, many followed to seek a “hand-out” in the form of food or a miracle; something to gain for themselves, yet Christ felt compassion for them.  His love superceded all selfish motives and covered all the inadequacies… and because His love was pure and unconditional, people were drawn to Him. 

In the same way, we are commanded to love our neighbors, even our enemies…for the purpose that they would be drawn to Christ who resides wtihin us.  We are to be a vessle that transmits “love” to the masses so that they would be “drawn” to us…to the Christ in us.

Admittedly, this dumb bear hasn’t lived this out in life very well… but knowing what is right and not obeying…is sin…so I should stop sinning in this way and do my best to “glow” with loveliness…I mean love…ha ha ha… MAKE it a good week everyone…for we have been empowered supernaturally with Heavenly authority.

Oh Lord, though your grace protects me from hopelessness, I desperately need you…

Okay… just added this…hmmmm…

It occurred to me just now, how thoughtless I am at times…but in others, overwhelmed, overanalyzing and over-thinking everything.  I know some people will think, “it took you this long to realize this?”, but hey, I had an “ah-ha” moment. 

The Public Jae is so different from the private one… is it really necessary for us to have varying fronts…I wonder.  It’s not that I have two faces, but I cover parts of it in public and not so much in private…  I would like to find a happy medium in which my whole face is revealed without worrying about guarding my heart so much…because when it comes down to it, it’s about not wanting to get hurt…or embarrassed…etc, but living with even minor fears hinders our ability to be fully effective believers… to obey is better than sacrifice… and to obey is showing God we LOVE HIM…no matter how difficult the subject matter that requires our obedience.

These days, there is an extra lift in my step…don’t know why exactly.  Nothing’s really changed in my surroundings, so I have to conclude that it’s a God thing… don’t need to know why… just a gift from our Father who loves to spoil His children in this way… with joy. 

I had my personal best time in the 2-mile run today… FEELS GRRRRREAT!