May 22, 2008
-
grace…
A ball and chain still drags behind me; it’s called consequences. In small print, it reads, “Property of Jae Yu”. my choices incur consequences naturally, but I designed and forged this “ball and chain”. I hold the key that would release it, but I’ve hidden it somewhere and can’t seem to find it.
I need Jesus to release it, but I’m too stubborn to ask for help… I mean, really ask for help… grace means God forgives and accepts me exactly as I am, but I have a hard time receiving this… because some time ago, I was taught that my mistakes must ALWAYS have consequences… and I must never forget what I have done. Scary…
Jesus waits for me to let go, because He’s gentle like that and won’t force me… but my heart is clenching harder… Why is that?
I won’t allow myself to go deeper into the secret place of God’s heart, because I pass judgment on myself. I deem myself unworthy and too stained, rejecting His open arms of love; in some way, this is more prideful than blatant arrogance… I’m turning from His countenance to save face; Christ made all things whole and restored me to righteousness, but my body language says “this is too much”. My head acknowledges this truth, but my heart has yet to embrace it.
As a consequence, I won’t let myself have what I truly desire… “I don’t deserve it” echoes in my heart.
I want good things and God being the best “good thing” there is… but I deprive myself of Him, too…This must be the source of my cycling through passion to plateau to burn out to living fearful of passion… muddling in self-pity and pan-handling for spiritual crumbs. All the while, Jesus is standing behind me with a feast and gesturing to doors leading to glory… His glory.
This unforgiveness of self… this lack of loving oneself… I don’t know where it came from; I have good parents after all… but it’s the road block I haven’t gotten around in my journey.
Refiner’s fire…
Extravagant love…
Jesus.
Also, please pray for Steven Curtis Chapman and his family. Maria, their youngest daughter of 5 years, was killed yesterday, accidentally struck by a car driven by her teenage brother. Maria is 1 of 3 children adopted from China; the Chapman family are huge advocates of international adoptions.
Full article: http://www.tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080521/TUNEIN/80521174/1005/ENTERTAINMENT
Comments (4)
Gosh…that’s way too sad.
hi old friend… you were my first xanga bud over six years ago.
i intend to pray you to freedom from that ball and chain. yes, indeed.
Hello Mr. B,
You worked hard to make your site simple yet elegant. The pictures are a nice touch. I see that God is foremost in your mind as you go about your daily activities. Now is a good time! I recommend the one true God, Jehovah.
I want to help people to really get to know God, especially in these troubled times. Here is an important message for all of us from the Bible: 17You make God tired with all your talk. “How do we tire him out?” you ask. By saying, “God loves sinners and sin alike. God loves all.” And also by saying, “Judgment? God’s too nice to judge.” (Malachi 2:17) (Message Bible)
Hellow!
I love your site, It is a pleasure to visit.
I have added your site to my site.
Please link my site to your site.
Guitar center
URL:http://guitar-center0.blogspot.com/
Thank you!